Recovery + Loss of Identity
There are days when I forget that I'm in Recovery.
I've been feeling so inspired, excited and energized by the work I've been doing (although arguably speaking I shouldn't be working) that Recovery feels like a long last memory. I'm nearing SIX months, so I think, WOOH, over the hump. Out in the clear! Made it! See ya. Bye.
Not so much.
This is what last Sunday looked like. (p.s. I'M OKAY!!) I thought about whether or not I'd want to share this and then I heard SPEAK YOUR TRUTH. Fortunately or unfortunately (depending on how you look at things) this is my Truth at the moment, although I hope it turns a corner soon. (Seeing doctors next week).
Since I've been preaching STORY TRUTH FLAWS, I felt uncomfortable showcasing anything but. As much as this picture is well...I mean, I'd say unflattering but like, I'm in the hospital...unpleasant? Not the best? Definitely not fun. (The saltines were stale if anyone's wondering). Whatever it is. It's my reality for now.
So I'm posting this BECAUSE we've become incredibly good at curating seemingly perfect lives by posting our highlight reels, and I'd like to nudge that a bit. Now, im all for optimism (but really am I? I'm Russian. we're cynical. at least I am that kind of Russian), but the truth of the matter is that we're Human. Imperfect. Flawed. Fragile. Vulnerable. Hurt. Broken. And YES, with immense capacity for love (that too), but if we show only ONE side, we lose our natural essence. We lose our Whole Being. The life of a human is imperfect. We have good and bad days. I think we need to speak about that more openly. So here's my not so good day.
Recovery, aside from the physical aspect, is recovering from the LOSS of an identity.
It's very similar to the grief one experiences after death, divorce, breakups, etc. That which you knew, no longer exists. Therefore I must not exist.
The catch here is that I STILL EXIST. So, who am I without my ED. I'm learning. I started thinking about food, consumption, restriction, dieting, my body, excessive exercise in 8th grade. So I've got some catching up to do. Or maybe some exploring. Yes, I like that word better.
I'm going to slooooow down with UF until I have more info on wtf is happening with my body. As mentioned, I'm seeing specialists on Wednesday. I can't and won't stop completely. You can't make me. I enjoy it too much. I love people. I love helping them (just need to get better at helping myself). I love conversations. I love learning, reading, writing and observing. You can't make me stop, completely.
So, things will continue but they will continue a bit more slowwwly. (Did I mention I hate being slow, or slowing down, or not doing, or just being, sitting even? stillness 🙅🏼) But im going to try because if I want anything in my life to continue, I need to get myself above water no matter how much I like snorkeling.
So. Anyone else who's dealing with an identity crisis!! I invite you to take this week to post things that you like, liked, love, loved. Things that have inspired you. Awakened you. Cemented in your core. Your FOUNDATION. The characteristics or interests that are not defined nor taken away by a loss of someone or something.
I'm going to be doing a bit of a dive into my personal history. What do I like? What do i love? Which parts of me (sans ED) would I like to keep, or toss, or try on. Like this photo from 2015 for example: I miss my long hair. Trivial, maybe. But it's the little small things that accumulate into big fucking wins. So, hospital or not. Ten steps back or not. I'm going to find reason to keep smiling. I invite you to do that too 💪🏼💪🏼💪🏼