Recovery | Body Failure
Yesterday was the first full day since stepping into Recovery where I found myself feeling like the old me. Not the ED me, but the me that is my Core, deeply buried over the years.
I’ve said it before + I’ll say it again: most addictions, negative cyclical behaviors + patterns, substances, and in my case my eating disorder, act as a crutch NOT to feel anything, or to avoid the process of trauma, abandonment, grief, pain, etc. After years of living in this kind of behavior, it becomes all-consuming, close to erasing one’s Core. In my experience, it nearly erased me completely.
In the past year, including my six months of Recovery, I have been holding on by a thread. I’ve stopped myself from getting too excited if I woke up having a good day because inevitably, somewhere along the way, my body + brain could break again, more times than not it would.
Body Failure is the most humbling experience one can feel + it manifests in many ways. I recently watched the doc on ballerina Wendy Whelan and her comeback from surgery. When your own body (and in my case my brain as well) no longer work like they used to...IT IS TERRIFYING and completely blindsiding. Masked in shades of the worst kind of betrayal, it strips you of your Identity. Who am I without my functioning body + brain? That was the foundation on which I stood, and in Wendy’s Case, her career, identity and purpose. How does one move forward when it’s crumbling?
I’ve thought about that for a long time. When can I just live again? I think it clicked in a podcast conversation I recorded this past week. My friend said, “hope is the magic elixir”. I’ve never looked at hope in that way but something about his words pierced me. Hope is not naive. Hope is perspective. It’s understanding there will be good + bad days, and when the good days SHINE, to stand SMILING in the Light. To Hug them. Feel them. Move through them. Or even kick your leg up!
I made a choice to do so yesterday + tossed my fear to the side. Sure, I had moments where I thought “shit what if the day turns a bad corner” (sry @estipop + @xitsjustchris) but I took a deep breath + thought “I’m okay. It’s okay. I’m going to be okay. Smile”.