Recovery | Physiologically vs. Emotionally
SPEAK YOUR TRUTH 🗣 okay here's mine: I haven't really been myself this week. I have much going on with my project. I've been meeting with inspiring + incredible people. I've received supportive feedback. I'm cultivating a community for people to practice vulnerability + authenticity. All good stuff, right? Right. But I feel off. I saw a high school friend this past weekend. He asked, "so how are you doing with the eating disorder + Recovery." Usually I answer positively + divert the conversation back to the person in front of me. For some reason I said, "today's a shit day honestly." I'm getting closer to Month 5. My levels are better. My brain less foggy. My ability to speak, move, function, all better. Physiologically: I is better. Emotionally: not so much. I'm heading to NY today. I'll be with friends who I love dearly in a city I love dearly. I should be excited (i am) but I'm scared. What if I don't live up to expectations? Who am I without my ED? It's like rebuilding after an ended relationship. I don't know ME without the other. That's how intertwined this thing gets. Will I be fun? Will I be as charming? As engaging? Funny? Energized? Will I be enough? Then the heaviness settles in. Fuck. What about the way I look. I've had to buy new clothing. I no longer fit into my old size. I'm bigger. You might say, "no you're not" but that's like saying "you don't seem depressed" to a person suffering with depression. I FEEL bigger. And a lot of it is emotional. All the shit I haven't been feeling, numbing with my ED + alcohol is bubbling up. I feel it in my thighs. My stomach. My cheeks. All my trigger areas. It works like this: I feel awful therefore I must look awful. Let's restrict so I don't have to feel anything at all. It's a wicked cycle. I'm working through it.
I think stigmas will disappear once we start speaking openly about mental health + the inner workings of our mind. So that's mine right now, today. It's how I FEEL (hi feelings). I hope it inspires you to Speak Your Truth, today. (p.s. I will smile, I will smile, I will smile)