I believe it’s important to be transparent. Within ones personal boundaries - we all decide what that is individually - but transparent, nonetheless.
Why? Because things aren’t so black + white. They’re not yes + no, always. They’re certainly not successes + failures. There are in-betweens. Grey. Maybe. Minor setback. These provide perspective. An acknowledgment that we’re in a space of awareness- understanding that we’re in some sort of a middle ground. We’ve got work to do, but we haven’t entirely failed either.
In a way, it’s that “practice kindness to yourself” that I always talk about, providing a realistic sense of self for yourself + others ie; they’re able to see a flawed human vs a perfectly curated robot (I’m looking at you Instagram).
So with that in mind, here’s my transparency bit from Toronto: I left Ontario Shores, sat in the car + swallowed whole my urge to sob uncontrollably. The visit was HARD (read last post). Knowing I had a Women | Circle later, I didn’t allow myself to feel.
I sat in Circle, the endorphins kicked in as they always do (something about being in a supportive group of women + men that does a soul good) cheating my inner turmoil even deeper into me.
The next morning I recorded a podcast - again, speaking my truth + telling my story. Then met with a friend for a wide-ranging conversation. Upon arriving back to my Airbnb, I realized that I hadn’t carved out much time for eating.
This would have been manageable, however, since the body manifests emotional pain that we do not release into physical pain, AND I am (still) in a state of recovery (fragile), it was too perfect of a potion to set my migraine into motion.
Mine are debilitating. If you’ve followed my story, you know. Nausea, blurred vision, poor brain function, etc. Scary when you’re alone in a city without friends or family nearby.
I survived. However, the anger rolled in immediately. The shoulda, woulda, coulda. The you know better. The how could you. The why can’t you slow down. The you ruined Toronto. You failed the Men | Gather. All that SHIT roaring again.
What I’ve had to remember in the subsequent days is: recovery, like life, ebbs + flows.
There will be setbacks. Some major. Some minor. They are not indicative of failure. I give give give but I very seldom receive, and even more seldom give to myself. SLOW does not mean inactive, lazy, or lack of drive. STILLNESS is a necessity. So is REST. Saying yes so that others feelings do not get hurt is a false sense of care for both parties involved. At best, a failure is a failure only if you see it as one. Kindness, my friend!! You preach it! Believe it! And, When You Speak Your Truth, the Right Person Stays. Only my non-people’s are judging me or shaming me for being less than perfect. That goes for my inner self-talk as well.
So, did I feel like I royally fucked up in all ways? Yes. If you’ve attended a Workshop, you know my most talked about FLAW...anyone want to share in the comments?
I didn’t. And I’m not a “fuck up”. I’m just a flawed person trying to get myself back to that space of being able to do + be “normal” after years of abusing + killing my body, mind + soul. It’s going to take time, Alyonka. Take a breather. Remember to slow down. Stop being so hard on yourself.
Okay. Lesson learned (again). Yes, it’s those deeply rooted thought patterns that are the hardest to break. That’s why I’m transparent. Keeps me accountable. Comforts those who are reading this and saying ME TOO. And shows that we’re all a work in progress. There’s no fast track to anything. GREAT THINGS TAKE TIME // TRUST THE PROCESS.