Surrender. EAT THE PIZZA. NOW!
I remember TWO conversations:
1. LA, 2015. Deep in my Anorexia. A new friend, my first Recovering Anorexic friend, says, “there will be that one day when you feel so tired of the rules, the counting, the restricting, the hunger, that you’ll say FUCK it. Give me that. I need it now.”
2. Palm Beach, March 2018, almost a year into my Recovery. A new friend, also in Recovery, says, “there will be a day where your eyes will grow wide with hunger - not for the food - but with the desire to be normal. Just like everyone around you. Eating things that feel right in the very moment.”
Both moments left me unsettled. The first a complete impossible. The second, a longing for something that seemed entirely too far away. But something about this week + this moment + this day, where after hosting workshops, taking meetings, running about the city screaming my business out into the Universe, seeking direction when none seemed to come my way...I FELT SPENT. I FELT EMPTY.
I looked around. Everyone seemed FULL. I seemed HUNGRY. I walked + then I stopped + then I said PIZZA. I WANT PIZZA. DIET COKE, TOO. NOW.
There was no hesitation. No should I? How many calories? What had I already eaten? What will I restrict later? Will I have to be healthy tomorrow? What public engagements do I have this upcoming week? What will they think of me? Will I look okay? NONE OF THAT. Just pure, innate DESIRE to FEED ME. Now!
Fuck it, I said. I’m so tired. I just want to be normal. I just want to be free. I have to let go of trying to control everything.
So I surrendered into the “lack of control”, the “imperfect”, the “Unknown”. I bit. I chewed. I smeared my hand against my lips wiping away the grease. Then I breathed. Gulping down the taste of the bubbly can I thought to myself, “today, in this very moment, I am free. damn, this is the life”.