November 2, 2015 | The Croissant
The letter you're about to read was written on November 2, 2015.
I've got to tell you - this thing is personal, raw, vulnerable. There are very few people who've read this. It comes straight out of my personal journals. I know I keep saying this but it is excruciatingly personal. I've left it untouched. Unedited - except for a name.
At the time, this was my attempt at making those around me - my beloved ones - understand me and my complicated brain. As I read it now I am floored by my own consumption of the illness. It's almost staggering that I can no longer relate to this way of thinking. Of course, I am still new at this Recovery thing, so there is the opportunity that it might change. But maybe it won't. It begs the question: do others feel this way once they step into Recovery? If so, what is this called? How come I was able to shut it off so quickly? Or did it take too long?
It's something I plan on speaking about with my Therapist. Potentially I'll come back to you with some of the answers.
I ask that you not judge - although I can't control you - as there are moments where even I start to cringe at my own desperation to keep my illness alive. I share this with you, Dear Reader, so that it provides insight and perspective into a human beings mind as they battle through a mental illness. If you are suffering too, know that it gets better. If you are around those who suffer, please use this as a starting point to better understand them - there's nothing wrong with them. It's the disease.
I'd also like to add that each illness is different in it's own way. This piece of writing is from my point of view - as it was - while in the thick of my illness.
I believe it's important I share it with you.