My Inner Child
Let's recap. I’ve talked about spending the last 10 years showcasing the 10% fabricated version of me. I’ve made it clear that the hidden 90% almost got me to a place of forgetting my true self completely.
I’ve semi-shared that it is in part due to my personal need to meet the reputation set by my Father, and due to the suggested demands one finds in my industry, especially as a woman. As I wrote, “I often hid my true self for fear that I would be ‘too cerebral’ or ‘not bubbly enough’, overlooked for potential gigs based on that very feedback.”
There are many factors which have led me to believe that I am not good enough, but these surface factors wouldn’t have affected me as much if I had had a grounded belief in the person that I was at my core.
At 30, I’m starting the journey to re-engage with that core. Our brains are fascinating things. They often block certain experiences in our lives in order to protect us from overwhelming emotions. Looking back, I find it hard to remember joyful moments after a certain age. Most likely, it's because I was always looking ahead to the next moment, never appreciating the present.
The picture above, that child, ME, represents all the things I’ve learned to strip away; loving, cheerful, jovial, vulnerable, curious, kind, sensitive, emotional, confident, fun, in awe of all the opportunities the world has to offer. I know that that child exists somewhere in me, she just doesn’t appear very often, unless it's when I speak about my Brother whom I love beyond words. (I believe that's called unconditional love.)
How come? In many instances of my life, my kindness was taken advantage of and I learned how to defend myself from excruciating pain - mainly rejection as I navigated through my adolescence into my adult life - by building up walls around me and developing into a woman fearful of letting anyone in, including my(inner child)self.
That mentality served me for a while, it even had me excelling in my industry and in life, but this mentality is not sustainable. It is a path for total burnout, which is where I found myself at 30, and why it is imperative that I reconnect with my inner child.
Burnout doesn't look good on anyone. I am determined to reverse the patterns that I have come to understand so well. They no longer serve me. I want to relearn the essence of that jort-wearing child. I know it's in me, somewhere.