Unedited. Just the Truth. Most likely Flawed.
Yes. I am aware that the correct way of stating the subject of this note would be "On Being". Not only is it taken by the lovely Krista Tippett, it is not what I'm trying to say. I've done a lot of reflection "on being" in the recent months. What does it mean to be? What does it mean to be a being? Who am I ? What is my purpose? What is the meaning of life? All good questions. All - at moments - external.
In Being, Being with a capital B, is about Being Inside oneself. Stepping in to do the inner-work, or lack thereof. Meaning, doing the work without working. Stillness. With nothing to distract.
I am currently sitting next to the gate which will open it's doors to the plane that will take me Zurich. From there, I will travel to Germany. As I've mentioned in private and in public, the doctors who've crossed my path, do not seem to have many answers to my migraines, nor it's correlation to my eating disorder, aside from prescribing more pills. Thanks to a good friend (hi RL), I will be spending the next 22 days at a facility which will take a different approach to my Healing.
Healing with a capital H because it's more than just Healing my migraines. It's more than just Healing my Eating Disordered body + brain. It's more than just continuing my Recovery. I believe. No, I am setting the intention for this to be an experience of Inner Healing. Nature. Isolation. No-phone policy outside of my room. There will be nothing left to do except to do nothing. My biggest fear. I know it's many of yours too.
In Being. In Being myself. Whoever that person may be. She's been popping back into my Life in the last six months. She tries, but I make it hard with all the distractions. Building UF. Working on the Circles and Detroit Gatherings. Giving myself to everyone BUT myself. I am aware. You don't have to hold up a mirror. I see the way my mind works. I just wasn't ready to stop, COMPLETELY.
So, I'm pausing. I'm shutting down for a bit. I'm going in. Into my Being. I have not yet decided how I will spend these 21 days away as I didn't want to restrict myself access to my phone in the case that I needed it. Restriction is too similar to my Eating Disorder aka Control. So, I'm going to try to LISTEN to my body. LISTEN to my mind. LISTEN to my Heart. and LISTEN to my Soul.
I hope to come out on the other side just the way I'm supposed to. Nothing more, nothing less.
I won't provide you with a takeaway. Take away what you will.
Surrender - In Being - You.